7: You are always good enough

One of the things which I have struggled with for a long time is being a ‘perfectionist’. I can remember from the age of 6 years old, sitting on my Year 1 primary school carpet, stressing out over how my teacher would think badly of me if I didn’t do my handwriting neatly.

I’m pretty sure most 6-year-old girls were thinking about how they wanted their hair braided or which classmate they were going to sit with at lunchtime. But not Chloe; she was always the worrier. The one that overthinks things.

The definition of perfectionism has many layers, and working in the industry I am currently in showed me that I have fallen into every single one of these holes throughout my lifetime.

1 – You set standards beyond your reach.

I set very high standards for myself. When I was at University, the only option was to get a 1st or a Distinction, and if I didn’t reach this, then I had failed. Reality? I got a 2:1 in my BSc and a Merit in my Masters. Guess what? NOBODY has ever told me that I am a failure, or rubbish or useless, and I expect that nobody ever will.

2 – Never being satisfied with anything less than perfection

When I was 18 I was quite overweight, so I went on a drastic diet in my first year of University because I thought having a skinny body would make me happy. Reality? I got down to 8 stone 4 pounds (bearing in mind I was about 13 stone when I started…) and I still wasn’t happy with how I looked. Guess what? The perfect body doesn’t exist. It’s how you feel on the inside about yourself and your overall health and wellbeing that matters.

3 – Being preoccupied with fears of failure and disapproval, and seeing mistakes as evidence of unworthiness

In my day to day working life I have a little devil on my shoulder who constantly tells me what I am doing wrong, and how other people will think badly of me if I don’t do a job 100% correctly the first time. Reality? Every mistake we make is a learning curve – otherwise, we’d keep doing them over and over again! If we fail, we dust ourselves off, stand up and say “Ok, that didn’t work – what can I do differently next time?”. And, guess what? Nobody is ever going to disapprove of you for having a go and trying your best at something, even if it doesn’t work out.

4 – Becoming overly defensive when criticized, and holding onto/ruminating about that criticism

Now I wouldn’t necessarily say I was outwardly defensive when it comes to criticism. I’m not a confrontational person at the best of times. However, when I do receive negative feedback I do get my hackles up and tend to slink away into that corner of my mind where my little devil tells me how crap I am and how stupid I am and how everyone will remember this screw-up so it’ll hang over me for the rest of my days. Reality? Criticism is one of two things; feedback to help you do better next time and therefore it’s constructive, or the person is trying to upset you by being intentionally critical. When this happens, IT’S NEVER ABOUT YOU. It is always about them and their anger or insecurities. Never take this kind of criticism personally. 

So, guess what? We don’t have to be ‘perfectionists’, even though 90% of the people in my training sessions self-identify as one. What we want to be is striving for success, to be able to bounce back from setbacks, and let ourselves off the hook when things go wrong.

It gets easier the more we practise – and trust me, that little 6-year-old inside yourself will thank you for it one day.